Words…said out loud?

Repeat after me…

‘I am a writer, artist and performer.’

Ok, this time say them outloud.

Oh, erm, right, yes, ok…

And suddenly I’ve gone all shy. Here’s the thing I don’t want people to hate me, and when I hear myself say these words outloud, I cringe, a terrible,painful, deep rooted cringe.

I used to be able to giggle this off, and say oh but by day (and night, and all the other hours inbetween) I’m a waitress.  But not any more.

Several times recently I have suffered stage fright, and after some deep soul searching, it all comes down to this, saying it outloud makes it real.

Raising my hand at the Royal Exchanges Word in Progress last Friday and giving my opinion (which incidently disagreed with every other opinion in the room) I felt myself startto blush, and shake, and attemt to back up my opinion, and then had to stop myself from apologising for it.

‘I’m terribly sorry, you’ll have to exucse my opinion, I haven’t house trained it yet’

After all who am I to disagree? Who am I to offer a suggestion?

Who am I?

Well, I am an artist, a performer and a writer.

Afterwards, I felt daft, not because I had said what I was thinking out loud, but because I didn’t say it with any authority.  I’m not saying that what i said was more insightful or valid than any other opinion in the room but it was equally as relevant, and I haven’t had stage fright like that for YEARS.

So this afternoon I was interviewed about ‘Unbearable Weight’ which will be shown as part of The Three Minute Theatre’s week long programe of events to mark International Womens Day, this March. I was determined not to be crippled by stage fright. So instead I spoke about ‘MY work (and OUR work, ‘Unbearable’ is a collaboration between Hannah Smith and myself), I gave MY opinion, I introduced MYSELF, as a writer, a director, and a performer.

And, I enjoyed it.

I’m quickly beginning to realise, that this is REAL, and therefore it is ok to say it outloud, I have the evidence to back it up.

‘Me? No, I don’t waitress anymore. I’m a writer, director and performer now. Don’t believe me? Buy a ticket, and see for yourself.’


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