Shhhhh, listen…click.

I would not describe myself as a confident person.

I am very self aware. I know what I can be good at, I know when I’m being moody, I know when I’m not any good. But even with that self awareness, self doubt creeps in on a fairly regular basis.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about loosing my excitement for doing the thing I love, and with that my confidence.

I imagine my confidence to be an ill fitting peg in hole in my brain. It had always just bin jammed in willy nilly, and wobbled a little. To those who know me it will come as no surprise that I may have one or two screws loose.

Can you hear that rattling?

Well when I had THAT experience, and I hit my threshold for just what I could take, that peg became well and truly dislodged. It fell out of place completely.  Tentatively I have been trying different screw drivers and hammers trying to get it back in place.

Clink, roll, shit, where’s that bloody peg gone?

I’m not going to lie, before heading to Buxton Fringe Festival this past weekend I was terrified, the heart burn was back in the morning and there was a rather distressing dream involving a train, a derailment and a lot of drowning goats.

I hadn’t heard from the venue, I hadn’t had any ticket inquiries, I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do.

Luckily on the Sunday I had the fabulous Hannah Ellis with me (I’ve told you about her, she is wise and writes over at oopsimavegan.com) to keep me sane and grounded and push me to go and just leaflet.

Then there was the relief of getting to the venue and everyone being lovely and helpful and supportive. And to find that 7 tickets had already been prebooked.

Not only that but the sun was shining and Buxton is beautiful.

There it is!

Slowly I found my feet and leaflet patter, then the performance came around and it all went well. A full house, and though I returned home with a feeling that my reviewer hadn’t enjoyed it, I felt relieved, one down one to go.

The Monday came around and I braced myself for a much harder day on all fronts. And boy did I have to brace myself as I entered the Pavilion to find my review.

Deep breath… BUT it was another good’un! Chuffed, spring in step I headed out to leaflet. I was on my own Monday and it was definitely quieter. I couldn’t rest on my laurels and in the back of my mind I found it hard to believe I could generate an audience for 6pm on a Monday evening. So by 4pm I was beginning to feel nervous once more, headed to my venue to set everything up totally convinced it would all be coming back down at 6.05pm.

So convinced that nobody would turn up at 5.50pm I was sat making sure things were tidy and easy to pack when 15 people turned up!

I was shocked but most of all I was over the moon, I could feel myself grinning. I was so happy I was going to get to perform. And when I did, I just enjoyed it. And so did they.

After the show I held my first ever ‘chat with the artist’ I didn’t shake once, like I usually do when public speaking, I was just honest. Talking about the work I love to do.

And after all of that? They asked for autographs.

Shhhh, listen…click…

That peg is finally back in it’s correct place, and this time (for now) it is definitely a better fit x

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