To people who know me, or have seen photographs of me, they might think this is a stupid question. I don’t believe myself to be fat, but I do get paranoid that, what I am seeing in the mirror might not be what everyone else sees or on bad days, that that might be EXACTLY what everyone else sees.
I have put weight on, and off, and back on, a lot in the past year or so. And along with my weight, my feelings and self confidence have yo-yoed, as is probably to be expected. When I last wrote a piece about weight I explained how I would probably look back in 5 years time, look at photographs of myself and think What the hell was I worrying about? Much like I look at photos of myself from 5 years ago now. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and think that about the way I felt yesterday.
Then you see photographs like this…
and you think? Maybe I am kidding myself to say this is just paranoia, maybe everyone else can see all those wobbly bits I can see. I worry about my double chin. In fact I regularly sit and pat the loose skin under my chin, hoping that others don’t notice it.
My arms, well I don’t let a camera near them unless I am posing correctly, in fact this photograph is everyone at my cousins wedding making fun of my skinny arm pose!
I guess what I am trying to say is… My perception of myself is warped, as is every ones, and more than anything I would love to be able to see myself through some one else’s eyes and have an answer once and for all as to whether or not others see what I am worrying about.
This is coming across much more depressive than I intended it to be, this isn’t just a wish I have for me, this is actually one I think so many people would love to have, and one that would help so many people, because really it is impossible to be objective about yourself.
The other thing I wanted to highlight with this post, is that we think we can find objectivity through the camera lens, but just look at the photos in this post, look how differing they are, all but one taken on the same day, and some are awful, some are lovely. Here is the thing about a camera, it catches a moment that the blind eye would never pick up on, your dress is billowing out, your face looks like its melting, you looked that way for a whole 0.2 seconds, and that is when the camera flashed, the people around you? They blinked and they completely missed it. Please do not worry about a bad photo.
In all honesty I’m not sure right now whether or not I am fat, I know what the scales tell me, and I know my BMI is telling me to be careful, but I have no idea what joe bloggs on the street thinks, I probably never will and maybe I really REALLY should not care about what they think. All I can do is try and eat healthy and stay positive, and never EVER trust a camera lense or the sizes of Primark jeans, because if I did, well I would probably end up attempting to starve myself for a whole 5 minutes before giving up and wallowing in a sea of cake.
What knocks and boosts your self confidence? Leave a comment x