For the first time in over a year I have no idea how much I weigh.
It’s been nearly a month since I got on the scales, and this is where I admit to an unhealthy habit of mine.
Before now, I weighed myself eveyday (almost) for over a year.
That sound obsessive doesn’t it? And to those who know me well, and hopefully to those of you who read my posts on a regular basis, this will come as a surprise. In many ways, when it first dawned on me, how much of a habit this had become of mine, it took me by surprise.
I’m a switched on young woman. I know about the dangers of behaviour like that, I have a reign on my insecurities, I have a very healthy outlook on life, and of myself. So why would I do this so obsessively?
It hasn’t even helped me stick to one weight, in the past year I have lost a stone, put it back on, lost it again and now… well now I don’t know.
When I was moving out, and I realised that my relationship with my bathroom scales was about to go long distance, I thought this would be a good thing. I thought we probably needed some space, some time apart to reflect on what’s happened in the past year. To concentrate on moving forward, eating healthy, setting up new ‘good for me’ routines, things that would make me feel great. The types of habits that would match my healthy outlook on life. Make all of those things about my overall well being, not about the number on the scales.
For the past three weeks that is exactly what I have been doing. Sure I haven’t worked out where to go jogging yet, but my diet has definitely been better than ever, even if once or twice, in the luxury of living alone I’ve finished off a pack of biscuits with my Sex and the City box sets.
Has this effected my outlook? In many ways, not really, I still think I am a fairly attractive young woman, who knows what is really important in life. But it also has’t stopped me from worrying about my weight. My thoughts on my weight are still the same as they were… that I am in no way ‘fat’ or over weight but, yes, I’d like to shed a few pounds to truly feel my best.
I hoped that going long distance with my scales, would turn me into the type of girl who just is the way she is, that I’d stop thinking about the number, but here is the twist.
If anything, more than ever, I am now thinking about the number. Because I have no idea of what that number is. When I was weighing myself (almost) every day it didn’t really effect my outlook. I never got on the scales and thought ‘right that’s it today I am only eating 500 calories.” I don’t believe in that diet mentality. Sure I would get on the scales once or twice and think ‘that isn’t where I want it to be’ but I would take into account the context of my life, my feelings, the things that were going on. If I’d just got back from show week, where I ate comfort food for 7 days straight, then naturally I’d be carrying an extra cake or two on the hips. But so what? I worked hard for that cake.
In many ways this not knowing, has made me more obsessive than I’ve ever felt before. While I know that what I have eaten has been 95% good stuff, I have no idea how the context of new life is effecting my weight. Is my new routine of grazing through out the day really working for me? Or do I need to switch up the type of thing I’m snacking on? Is the fact that I now spend 7 hours a day sat down changing my waist line? What about the hill I walk up everyday, is that toning me up like I hoped it would?
I guess what I need is to check in, to just remind myself that I can trust my own perception. I don’t think I have put weight on or lost it. I think the change in routine is balanced out by my new lifestyle. But I just don’t know. One minute I put on a pair of skinny jeans and think that I look better than I have in 6 months, the next minute I catch my reflection again and think, is it that actually these jeans are tighter than ever? Is that what’s different?
This post might sound worryingly obsessive to some of you, especially I guess to my nearest and dearest. I don’t want you to worry. I’m not about to go portion control, I’m not about to go soup diet, I’m just being honest and I am about to go buy some scales. I still know that I am a fairly attractive young woman, who is in no way ‘fat’ but I do feel out of touch with what is really going on with my body. Maybe that shouldn’t be the case. Maybe I should just be able to trut my instincts, but with all this newness I just feel the need to, double check, seek a second opinion.
For some people, scales encourage unhealthy feelings and thinking, but the fact is for me they don’t, for me they are just a way of keeping on top of it, a way for me to go, yup I thought so.
I’m definitely not going back to weighing myself every day though. After all, on or off the scales, it all has to balance out.
What about you guys? How do you keep on top of your feelings about this kind of thing?
Live life, healthily x