I haven’t exactly being feeing myself lately.
I haven’t exactly being liking myself lately.
Generally speaking, I’m a happy, upbeat, optimistic type of girl. I believe in pushing myself, bettering myself, furthering myself. But sometimes that belief leads to berating myself. Telling myself not that I could be better but that I should be better.
That sounds much more severe and dramatic than it is.
But some days there is a very fine line between feeling like a ninja who is winning at life and constantly on a mission to better herself, and feeling like a looser and a plonker, who every day fails to reach the ridiculously high expectations she thrusts upon herself.
Luckily for me this isn’t a daily battle. These loosing days can be pin pointed to hormones, they are days that can be fixed with a good nights sleep, a good cup of tea, and a good long chat with a friend. Bad days that can be fixed by good things. These are the types of days that everyone has, but these days very rarely make it on to any blog post.
This week has been full of those types of days, and yesterday I sat down to type up a blog post, read through some old posts and felt like I was reading the words of another person.
I thought ‘I wish I was more like the girl I am in my blog.’
Which of course is ridiculous. I am the girl in this blog, but this week I am the dark and twisty side of the girl on this blog. So in the interest of keeping up with my honesty with you guys, and because I am lucky enough not to suffer from depression, or any other mental health issue, but still have my down days, and because I believe that the more open we are about these days, and illnesses, the more people we can reach and help, here is full disclosure.
This week I have cried.
This week I have got on the scales and hated the numbers.
This week I have sat on my own and watched episode after episode of Orphan Black and felt desperately lonely.
This week I have honestly believed, that I will never find that ‘some one.’
This week, I have felt terrified by the thought that if I did find that some one I’d be too cynical to take a chance on them.
This week I have heard myself speak, and immediately afterwards, wished I hadn’t.
This week I’ve stood in a room full of strangers and thought, nobody wants to talk to me.
This week I’ve been worried that I’m no good at my job.
This week I’ve been lost.
This week I’ve been tired.
This week I’ve been defeated.
This week has been dark, and tough, and hormonal, but this week is nearly over. For some people, every week is like this, and they probably go on the internet and read blogs like mine, and think that my life is perfect Some times that can be inspiring to a person, and other times it can make them feel completely cut off and alone.
Nobody is perfect, no single blog post gives the full picture, it just gives a snapshot, a heavily cropped and filtered through instagram snapshot. This blog is made up of hundreds posts, and life is made up of hundreds of days, no single one defines me, or you.
So, there you have it, full disclosure, sometimes I’m perky, sometimes I’m not, but I am always human.
Live life & talk about it x