I’d just like the chance…

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I can deal with being single. In fact in the past three years I’ve thrived being single. And I’m a hopeful, positive person. I believe that someone will come along. I also believe in staying single until the right someone comes along.

I’ve done the Tinder thing, I’ve even done the online thing, and god knows I’ve done the girl in the bar thing. Too often, too well and with too many predictable outcomes. I’m not actively looking for any old person, and please don’t tell me it will happen when you least expect it.

Because believe you and me, I gave up a while ago, and guess what? It still hasn’t happened.

How can I put this?

I’m not looking for some one just to fill the gap, I’m not even looking to be on a different date every night of the week (I did four first dates in one week once, and it was exhausting) all I would really like is to be faced with the possibility of meeting somebody.

Remember how a week or so ago I wast talking about the possibilities that London, at least, appears to present? Well one of those possibilities is, obviously, the possibility for romance.  Every tube station and carriage, every street corner, every cool cafe, felt charged with the possibility. Even when a guy wasn’t nearby it felt like every time the door opened could be the time.

Compare that to where I am now and how I have been feeling lately.

Invisible, impossible, implausible.

About a month ago I had a realisation, that love and family is something that I want in my life, not right now but in the future. I’ve always known I wanted love, but family? The idea of that has never even crossed my mind. I’ve never felt like I definitely do or don’t want kids. It is something that has always surprised friends, especially those ones who call me mother bear. Now? I’m still not screaming from the roof tops one day I want kids but for the first time I am imagining that one day I will. be grabbing a megaphone and announcing just that

It was when this realisation hit that I also realised just how barren I feel of romantic possibility. I don’t see attractive guys, and when I do I don’t exactly notice them, I definitely don’t entertain the idea that they would notice me. I pretty much walk around feeling invisible these days, a culmination of insecurities and resignation to the fact that Blackburn isn’t exactly at the top of the list for places to set up a bachelor pad. Romance just isn’t on my radar. I can’t imagine meeting someone and even worse I can’t imagine who I would want that some one to be. You know that picture you have in your head of what he will be like? Mine has gone, leaving just a patch on the wall where the paint is less faded than every where else. Essentially, recently I’ve been feeling totally numb when it comes to dating and completely void of romance.

I’d like that to change. I’d like to start entertaining the idea that a romantic scenario might present itself. I’d like to feel like a chance encounter could happen any day, every day. I’d like to be sat in a coffee shop and be presented with the chance to talk to a cute guy. The chance to find shared interests. The chance to hit it off, to swap numbers.

At this point in my life I’m not even sure I’d want that guy to be the one, but I’d just like the chance to find out. To feel like there is a possibility for me, a chance for me.

Is that too much to ask?

Live life & hold on to the hope x

 

 

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12 thoughts on “I’d just like the chance…

  1. Lovely post, Stephanie. I am always amazed by the amount of honesty and personal feelings, that you put into these post. I wish you all the best with what you are looking for. It feels that I have been in your shoes. The only thing I know is, that when you feel like you are not giving a romance kind of vibe, then it’ll be hard for anyone to see you that way. At least it was for me that way. When I was at that point.
    Good Luck!
    Lou

    http://vegantarianlifestyle.com

    • Thank you Lou, I’m glad you appreciate the honesty! More than anything I use this space to sort of hash out my own feelings and be honest with myself!

      I think there is definitely something in seiing yourself romantically, I knew a girl once who had men flock to her, and she said ‘act like everyone in the room fancies you and by the end of the night they will’ not sure my confidence is quite there yet but I am definitely working on the vibes I am giving out!
      xx

  2. Oh darling, do not despair, because I have totally felt the same in my time! In fact, it was only a matter of months ago, that I messaged my mum practically in tears, asking her to look into my chart (she’s an astrologer) and tell me if someone, anyone, was going to come into my life, because at this point, I had simply lost all hope completely!!! I did meet someone though and whilst I had always been subtly keeping an eye open, without exactly looking, someone quite literally cycled up, into my life when I was least expecting it and was nothing like what I’d been looking for, but turned out to be everything I could ever want or need. So yes, as annoying as it is to hear, the right person does normally come along when you least expect it, but in the meantime, I hope you do get a little romancing, because I do know how it feels to need some love and affection. xx

    • At the moment I feel a bit like I am caught in a catch 22, if I tell myself to stop looking because it will happen when I least expect it, then aren’t I then expecting it to happen?

      I guess I am just at a point in my life, where for a while I feel settled, a bit like you said in your post the other day. For a while I’d just like to feel rooted to some one, in the same way I did when I was at university and I found my first love, and my first group of real friends, that belonging feeling. Sure I am content within myself, now I’d like to feel content letting some one else in too.

      For now I guess I will just have to be satisfied with changing my attitude and my confidence until a change in my relationship comes along.

      As always good to know these feelings don’t just belong to me xx

  3. I know all about this 🙂 I spent the whole of my 20s feeling like a lonely singleton left on the shelf as each of my friends started settling down and building homes and futures with their men! I waited 31 years to finally find Simon but he was completely worth the wait .. sometimes I get frustrated that I didn’t meet him 10 years ago but at the end of the day everyone’s journey in life is different!

    Such a cliché I know and I got SICK of people telling me this when I was single but these things do happen when you least expect it .. usually when you’re happy and loving life and not really looking for it 🙂

    x

    • I guess that is the infuriating thing about cliches is that they wouldn’t exist if they weren’t true on some level!

      I guess with romance you can’t really predict it, if you could, well it would loose all it’s romance.

      I’m staying hopeful and until that person comes along I’m going to make sure I have the right attitude towards this kind of thing. Nobody wants their meet cute soured because they were synical! xx

  4. Wonderful post, thank you for opening up about this. I’ve definitely decided it’s not so much about looking or not looking, but about being happy with who you are and open to new people and new experiences. Having been happily single and now realizing your desire for romance, I think you’re in the perfect place for Mr. Right Now to come along. Can’t wait to see what serendipity brings you! 🙂

    • I am a big believer in putting what you want out there for the universe to hear, and if the universe doesn’t deliver exactly what you asked for, it is because it is preparing you for something bigger and better.

      With most things in life, I also believe that you have to actively help the universe along, I’m not sure how actively I can look for love, without going against my natural instincts, so for now, I’m hoping just admitting to myself that I want a little company is enough xx

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