I can deal with being single. In fact in the past three years I’ve thrived being single. And I’m a hopeful, positive person. I believe that someone will come along. I also believe in staying single until the right someone comes along.
I’ve done the Tinder thing, I’ve even done the online thing, and god knows I’ve done the girl in the bar thing. Too often, too well and with too many predictable outcomes. I’m not actively looking for any old person, and please don’t tell me it will happen when you least expect it.
Because believe you and me, I gave up a while ago, and guess what? It still hasn’t happened.
How can I put this?
I’m not looking for some one just to fill the gap, I’m not even looking to be on a different date every night of the week (I did four first dates in one week once, and it was exhausting) all I would really like is to be faced with the possibility of meeting somebody.
Remember how a week or so ago I wast talking about the possibilities that London, at least, appears to present? Well one of those possibilities is, obviously, the possibility for romance. Every tube station and carriage, every street corner, every cool cafe, felt charged with the possibility. Even when a guy wasn’t nearby it felt like every time the door opened could be the time.
Compare that to where I am now and how I have been feeling lately.
Invisible, impossible, implausible.
About a month ago I had a realisation, that love and family is something that I want in my life, not right now but in the future. I’ve always known I wanted love, but family? The idea of that has never even crossed my mind. I’ve never felt like I definitely do or don’t want kids. It is something that has always surprised friends, especially those ones who call me mother bear. Now? I’m still not screaming from the roof tops one day I want kids but for the first time I am imagining that one day I will. be grabbing a megaphone and announcing just that
It was when this realisation hit that I also realised just how barren I feel of romantic possibility. I don’t see attractive guys, and when I do I don’t exactly notice them, I definitely don’t entertain the idea that they would notice me. I pretty much walk around feeling invisible these days, a culmination of insecurities and resignation to the fact that Blackburn isn’t exactly at the top of the list for places to set up a bachelor pad. Romance just isn’t on my radar. I can’t imagine meeting someone and even worse I can’t imagine who I would want that some one to be. You know that picture you have in your head of what he will be like? Mine has gone, leaving just a patch on the wall where the paint is less faded than every where else. Essentially, recently I’ve been feeling totally numb when it comes to dating and completely void of romance.
I’d like that to change. I’d like to start entertaining the idea that a romantic scenario might present itself. I’d like to feel like a chance encounter could happen any day, every day. I’d like to be sat in a coffee shop and be presented with the chance to talk to a cute guy. The chance to find shared interests. The chance to hit it off, to swap numbers.
At this point in my life I’m not even sure I’d want that guy to be the one, but I’d just like the chance to find out. To feel like there is a possibility for me, a chance for me.
Is that too much to ask?
Live life & hold on to the hope x