There has been a lot of room for thinking on this trip. In between sightseeing, getting lost and eating there has been hours on end with just me, myself, and I.*
*and my notebook
I never set out on this trip as a journey to self discovery. It hasn’t been so much Eat, Pray Love as Eat, Eat some more, and gradually become a little bit more cynical about being chatted up.
Having said that I am learning about myself while I’m away, or at least here I have the time to process all the things I have learnt about myself in the last 18 months or so.
One thought in particular that has stuck around is that I tend to live my life in a very haphazard way.
I’m aware that on paper some of the things I have done sound pretty impressive. If I wanted to brag I might list them…
Started my own company
Written, performed and toured 2 rave review shows
Worked on several community art projects
Secured a job programming four theatres
Even this blog with its modest number of (wonderful) readers, people seem to be impressed by.
But I’m not bragging, if any of these things were done with any sort of forward planning, any sort of grace or elegance then maybe I would brag, but the fact is most of these things were done on a whim. A thought came to me, and then they happened in their own clunking way.
Take this trip for example. Here I am in Geneva eating breakfast, no idea what I am going to see today, no idea what language the people around me are speaking, and up until my arrival at 4 o clock yesterday, absolutely no idea that there was such a thing as a Swiss franc. But I’m here, I’ve grabbed a map and I’m going to roll with it.
Maybe if I had done a little research, planned a little more, took some time to think about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to see, this trip would be something to be impressed by. A feat of military precision and generally winning at being a tourist.
But then, if I’d really put any thought into this, in truth? I’d probably have never done it. I’d have found some reason not to. I’d have given that little voice in the back of my head that says on loop ‘yeah but you’ll never actually do it’ the perfect ammunition.
So I didn’t think about it. I just did it.
I remember the afternoon before my first ever performance of my first ever show. I was stood in the rehearsal room, alone, as I had been for nearly the entire process and it suddenly dawned on me “oh god, I actually have to do this now” this isn’t just something I’ve said, it is actually happening. And I felt a mild panic and the voice in the back of my head screamed CALL IT OFF.
But I didn’t. And maybe in it’s own way that is more impressive. It isn’t that the things I do happen by accident, that wouldn’t be giving myself enough credit. But this is how I work, I get a thought in my head and I go with it. Jumping into the deep end and hoping that I will float. Or rather jumping in just to prove to myself that the water was never all that deep in the first place.
I don’t know how these things will turn out 98% of the time, but I do know this: 18 months ago I wasn’t happy with my twenties, I felt I had been conned, that they weren’t living up to everything that they had promised to be. I no longer feel that way. Sure so many things are still just as hard as they always were and it hasn’t been easy getting to where I am now, but I did it. Not so much haphazardly as happy-hazzardly. And if that is how things continue for the next couple of years then I will be impressed.
Live life & every now and then jump in the deep end x
PS. If you want updates about my actual travels and not just my self indulgent thought process I’m posting pretty regularly on instagram.