commitment phobia…


“We are the reckless, we are the wild youth,
Chasing visions of our futures,
One day we will reveal the truth,
That one will die before he gets there,”
Youth – Daughter

 Here we are everyone, at the middle of the working week! How are you? Are you finding this week a slog? Does it all feel a little monotamous?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about what it is that I actually do and I gushed about how much I love my job, and how I know I am lucky to have always known what it is that I want to do. All of that still stands, but I wanted to take a little time to talk today about how, like everyone else, I still get a little scared and confused.

Type into google ‘things you’ll learn in your twenties’ and you’ll find result after result of wittily put together lists. 1. Your metabolism will slow down 2. You’ll start to keep track of your finances 3. You’ll stop putting effort in with people who don’t deserve it. I love these lists as much as the next confused twenty something year old. They remind us that we’re not alone, that actually yes, we have started to learn these things, and god knows we’d rather be twenty something and confused than 18 and confused. At least our hormones have SORT of settled down now. We might be in our twenties, but we still need these blanket lists to snuggle up to and reassure us.

The reason your twenties is so scary, is because, traditionally, this is when we make the biggest decisions of our lives. This is when we really have to spend some time thinking ‘What do we want our futures to look like?‘ A question that is terrifying at any age. A question that even if you answer it today, doesn’t mean you won’t have a different answer for it tomorrow, next week, in 10 years time.

Recently I’ve found myself asking this question, and coming up with more definite answers than I’ve ever had before.

I think I want children, and a family, something I never even contemplated before. Now I’ve had a steady job and a place of my own, I realise how important having some reassurance is in my life. I want a home, to set down roots. Something that two years ago, I didn’t think was all that important to me. These things need money, and while at the heart of my career there will (hopefully) always be passion, logistically I am going to have to start factoring in a pay cheque into my decisions.

Does this mean, I won’t be going back to waitressing and trying to become a performer/writer when my current (wonderful) job finishes this time next year? In truth? Yes. I can’t imagine returning to that life now, I can’t see how that life leads on to the one I want in my future.

That terrifies me, and part of me is painting my free spirited slightly younger waitressing self with a brush of sentimentality and nostalgia. I’m worried that if I don’t go back to that, one day I will regret it, one day I might think, what if…

But my gut feeling tells me that that isn’t the next step forward, that ultimately, one or two other things will prove to be more important to me. That’s a strange place to be, when those things I believe to be so important to me, seem not only far away, but some days, impossible.

I haven’t made any life altering decisions yet, I don’t have to, just yet, but soon I will, and I have commitment phobia, I’m scared to put my hand up and say ‘I’m all in’ but slowly I am beginning to rule things out.

I’m 24 and I’m young and nothing is ever set in stone, I have friends in their thirties questioning the decisions they made in their twenties and doing something to change what their future looks like.and that is more comforting than any list of lessons I will supposedly have learnt by the end of this tumultuous decade.

So my loves I will leave you with this. The future scares me, and making decisions about it, is something I sometimes spend hours pondering about, and other times I jump in with nothing but a gut feeling to catch me. Whatever age you are, whatever decision you have to make, remember that you are in control, and as terrifying as that is, the only relationship you have to live with forever is yourself, you don’t have to commit to a career for eternity, but you do have to commit to you, as much as you possibly can. So go for that interview, go on that date, look at investing in that house, explore your options, because you might know what you want your future to look like right now, but that doesn’t mean something won’t come along and blow that vision out of the water, and when it does it might just stop you from ever looking back.

Live life & try not to let decision making get in the way x

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8 thoughts on “commitment phobia…

  1. Decisions? Future? I’m in my 30s and only just starting to have an idea of what my future is going to look like. I spent my entire 20s wishing I knew what was going on/trying to figure out how to get from where I was to what I actually wanted. Finally things seem to be coming together, but my 20s were basically a write off. Except that I got my current job in my 20s, which I still love, so it wasn’t all bad 🙂

    Good luck with your decisions! I know you’ll do the right thing 🙂

    • Thanks! More and more I’m convinced that there is no one defining decade! I’m pretty confident with who I am and what I want now but I am also 98% certain that in ten years time I will be almost unrecognisable! Xx

  2. I spent so much of my twenties moving around, discovering new things, meeting new people, it was a blast! I loved my twenties but there were moments, depending on which way you look at it of either sanity or madness, where I just needed an anchor. Some sort of goal, however big or small that put me in a certain direction. Although I will say the reality is, we all make it up as we go along and no matter how much you plan, I do think life just happens and the unexpected can sometimes be the absolutely best things. Anyway I think I may have babbled on a bit there but I think I will look back on my twenties as a time when I learnt the most about myself. I’m super excited to see what my 30s will have in store. Hopefully not too much sagging. xx

    • I couldn’t agree more about making it up as you go along. I have friends trying to make decisions now on what they might want or feel in 6 months. Like the song says if we chase visions we will never see them come true! Xx

  3. There’s only a lucky select few who ever knows what they want to do with their lives, and can get it all sorted as soon as possible. The rest of us just have to go with the flow and try not to worry about it too much 🙂

  4. I had this exact same realisation in 2013. I was doing the acting/waitressing thing and was starting to feel like all I did was pour pints. I had no money, no social life, no way of meeting people. And I just realised (after a massive meltdown on my Mum’s shoulders!) that I was done. I didn’t want to be waitressing tables at 40 and occasionally doing a student film. And if I carried on as I was doing, that’s where I would end up.

    I love acting, and always will. But I also love writing and travelling, and photography, and eating good food in nice restaurants, and meeting friend for drinks in the evenings. And finally the cons outweighed the pros and I just left. I started temping, got a receptionist gig, and here I am nearly two years later writing a blog and feeling awesome about life 🙂

    Sometimes I think you have to let go so you can find what you really need to do!

    Little Miss Katy | UK Lifestyle Blog

    • I think us folk of a more theatrical persuasion can be more reluctant than anyone to let go of what we thought was our dream, because we’re haunted by the stigma of a stereotype! I also think we become so convinced that it is OUR dream we neglect to see when things have stopped making us happy.

      For me nothing really gives me that same high as performing but the way I see it is that for now I have exchanged those few and far betweens for a much gentler lasting kind of happy. And of course with those highs came the devastating lows, I think my mums soggy shoulders can probably sympathise with your mums! Xx

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